Honesty, Part I: Self-Deception + Dishonesty Within

What happens when the person you're lying to most is yourself?

In this episode, George and Liz kick off a two-part series on honesty by tackling the harder half first: the lies we tell ourselves. Before you can be honest with others, you have to get honest with yourself. And that, as it turns out, is where most of us get stuck.

The Quote That Changes Everything

George opens with a passage from The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky that stopped him in his tracks:

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect, he ceases to love."

Three things hit George hard. First, the idea of truth within or around. We should be focused on the reality we're living in, but that reality changes constantly. Knowledge can be true at one point, but that doesn't mean it's true now.

Second, respect for oneself. He knows what it's like to live without that. The younger George didn't respect who he was or how he was showing up. That's the dark side he's been running from.

Third, the ending. Ceasing to love. If the core of everything George does is rooted in love, then self-deception threatens the very foundation.

"I realize how easy it is to lie to yourself. And once you start that pattern, how easy that can become you because you're practicing that pattern."

The Two Ditches

Self-deception doesn't just show up one way. It has two extremes, and both are dangerous.

The toxic mental pit. This is the downward spiral. The lies that sound like: I'm weak. I'm not worthy. I'm unwanted. I'm a loser. I don't belong here. I'm stuck. I've ruined my life.

When you run that narrative long enough, it becomes truth even though it's not true. You start seeing everything through a dark, distorted lens. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"The best thing you can do right now is just get the hell out of your own way. Your mind is creating this false reality that you believe is real."

The ego inflation. The other side of the coin. The lies that sound like: I'm awesome. I'm the man. I've arrived. They're lucky I'm here.

Confidence is great. But this inflated self-view blinds you to weaknesses and prevents growth. It makes you dismiss valuable feedback, alienate people around you, and set yourself up for a hard crash when reality finally kicks in.

Neither extreme is healthy or sustainable. The goal is balance.

Facts, Feelings, and Fears

Liz offers a framework she's been practicing for navigating self-deception in real situations.

"There are the facts of a situation and then there are the feelings we have about the facts of a situation. How in alignment are they?"

Sometimes they match up. You perceived someone being a jerk, they were in fact a jerk, you feel bad about it, and now you're going to address it. Clean.

Other times, the facts are innocuous, but your feelings are on another planet. That's when you need to ask: what is this trying to tell me? What did it trigger? What's the deeper conversation I need to have?

George builds on this with a rapid-fire rubric:

• What are the facts?
• What are my feelings?
• What are the fears driving those feelings?
• What do I need to forget?
• What do I need to foster?
• How do I forge ahead?

The Weight Lie

George gets personal about where self-deception has shown up most persistently in his life: his health.

"I've always told myself the one demon that I couldn't beat was my weight. Things like I'm just big boned. Oh, god made me this way. Because this is an episode on honesty, if I'm going to be honest, chips, ice cream, and hamburgers made me this way. Not god. Not getting up and moving my butt made me this way."

Two years ago, he'd lost 79 pounds. Then he and a friend told themselves they'd take a break for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

"What's funny is I knew we were lying to ourselves even though we were lying to ourselves. It was this thing of, like, I subconsciously looking back at it realize I think I wanted off the hook, but I didn't really want off the hook."

He calls it reverse accountability. And it led straight back to the hospital.

The other trap he identifies: making everything someone else's fault.

"If it's always their fault, then I have no reason to grow. They should be the one growing. It's their fault. It's not mine."

He asks the hard question: Are you lying your way to staying small in life?

The Belief That Kept Liz Small

Liz shares a breakthrough from a recent leadership group session. The prompt: What is one belief that is leading to your self-sabotage?

She didn't know what possessed her to say it out loud, but she did.

"I have made so many mistakes and I have hurt so many people. Not intentionally. But I was living a life not beyond my default. I was living in a fear-based prison, making a lot of fear-based choices. And when that happens, people get hurt."

She's apologized. She's made amends. But the fear remained: someone's going to look at me being successful and say I don't deserve it. And maybe they're right.

That was the permission slip she'd given herself to stay small.

"I'm genuinely getting everything I want. And it's not that I'm slipping, but I'm not as dialed in. I'm not as there. And it's because I'm trying to protect myself."

Comfortable Confusion Over Clarity

Liz shares a recent situation where she caught herself in a pattern of self-deception.

She'd had a difficult conversation with someone. An hour-long exchange that left her confused and hurt. When she talked it through with a friend, he asked a simple question: How did this person get five minutes beyond what they were doing without you telling them politely but directly to go to hell and then leaving?

Her answer: "It's because it's so and so."

Two days later, she called him back with the realization.

"I had allowed confusion to become a norm in this particular circumstance. Because I had a fear. I was lying to myself. It wasn't that I was being kind. It was because I was afraid. Well, what will happen if I actually stand up for myself the way I want to stand up for myself? What am I gonna find out?"

George captures it perfectly: "Comfortable confusion over clarity based on my fears."

How many people live in that space? Choosing confusion because it feels safer than finding out what's true.

The resolution? Liz sent the text. Direct. Honest. A face-to-face conversation scheduled.

"Once you start doing the things you said you never were going to do, life starts getting really interesting."

The Permission Slip to Be Yourself

Liz shares a story about working with a young content manager just a few years out of college.

"I watched over three weeks her writing skyrocket. She literally sounds like a fundamentally different person, and she didn't change. I just was a verbal permission slip to her. You don't have to sound like that. Whatever this weirdness is right now, I love this. You can be this. Come out. Say it. Say the quiet parts out loud."

The deception? Believing you can't be yourself out loud. That you have to dim yourself 5 to 20 percent to be palatable.

"The reason why you feel so much friction in your life is because you are exerting more effort to bring yourself dimmer to make yourself more palatable. You don't actually have to learn a new skill. You just need to stop doing something that is making you exert too much energy."

Methods for Getting Honest With Yourself

George offers several practices he's working on implementing.

Set aside regular time for self-reflection. Use that time to think about your goals, your values, and your behaviors. Are your behaviors actually matching your values and goals? Ask questions like: What are my core values? What do I want to achieve in the next year?

"I feel like there are people out there who have the self that they show everybody, and they have the self that is them. And too many times we've easily fallen into this lying to ourselves that you're showing up 80, 70, 95 percent of the time as the self you think they want instead of the self that you are."

Practice meditation and mindfulness. Apps like Headspace or Calm can guide you through it. The goal is becoming aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Consider working with a therapist. George admits this is the hardest one for him. His daughters have even challenged him that he'll probably never do it. But he's strongly considering it.

"An app is great and everything, but a human that is educated on how to extract the things that we need to extract out of our own brains and how to deal with them in a healthy way is pretty huge."

Liz reframes it: "A therapist is just another kind of expert. It's just another guy or gal on a board of directors who is an unbiased third party who went to school to understand the brain, how we think, and how we feel."

Constructive Self-Criticism vs. Harmful Self-Deception

Buddha said: "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: not going all the way and not starting."

George breaks down the difference between the two types of internal dialogue.

Constructive self-criticism is growth-oriented. It offers specific feedback aimed at improvement and learning. It provides actionable insights delivered with self-compassion, acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses. This type motivates positive change and leads to a balanced self-view.

Harmful self-deception involves denying or rationalizing away the truth to avoid discomfort or protect your ego. It often results in generalized blame, negative emotions, and a distorted self-view. It either inflates your abilities unrealistically or diminishes your self-worth.

Both of those are red flags that you've veered off the path.

To build constructive self-criticism:

• Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness
• Seek objective, valuable feedback from trusted sources
• Reflect regularly on actions and decisions
• Set realistic goals
• Celebrate small successes
• Balance criticism with praise
• Practice mindfulness to stay aware without judgment

The Benefits of Radical Honesty

George closes by making the case for why this work matters.

Personal integrity. When you're radically honest with yourself, your actions align more closely with your true values and beliefs. This gives you a greater sense of self-respect. "Self-respect is life's power up for you."

Emotional resilience. By regularly confronting uncomfortable truths, you become more comfortable with discomfort. This reduces the anxiety and stress that come with avoidance and denial. "Facing reality head on can be incredibly liberating."

Better decision-making. Being truthful with yourself gives you clarity and insight. You can evaluate options without distortions, biases, or wishful thinking leading you astray.

Overall well-being. By addressing the root causes of your behaviors through honest self-assessment, you can make sustainable positive changes. "Being honest with yourself helps you feel more true to who you are, which boosts your mental and emotional health."

Quotable Moments

"Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him or around him." — Fyodor Dostoevsky

"The best thing you can do right now is just get the hell out of your own way. Your mind is creating this false reality that you believe is real."

"Comfortable confusion over clarity based on my fears." — Liz Moorehead

"Are you lying your way to staying small in life?"

"Once you start doing the things you said you never were going to do, life starts getting really interesting."

Your One Thing

George's takeaway: Give yourself a verbal permission slip to not lie to yourself along this journey. The lies we tell ourselves, whether they drag us down or inflate us unreasonably, keep us stuck. Radical honesty with yourself is the unlock for everything else.

Liz's takeaway: The truth is very rarely something new. Once you say it out loud, you realize your body has been saying it for days, weeks, months, sometimes years. The only lie you're telling yourself might just be not saying it out loud. You already know what that truth is.

Reflection Questions

1. Which ditch are you more likely to fall into: the toxic mental pit of negative self-talk, or the inflated ego that dismisses feedback?
2. Is there an area of your life where you've chosen comfortable confusion over clarity because you're afraid of what you'll find out?
3. Are your feelings about a current situation in the same room as the facts, or are they light years apart?
4. What would change if you gave yourself permission to show up as the full version of yourself instead of the dimmed-down version you think others want?

Ready to go deeper? Press play above and let George and Liz walk you through the full conversation. This is part one of a two-part series on honesty. If you've ever suspected you might be lying to yourself about something important, this episode is essential listening.