Toxic Positivity and The Insidious Movement to Criminalize Emotions

What if the thing you thought was helping you grow is actually keeping you stuck?

We've all said it. "Everything happens for a reason." "Just stay positive." "Good vibes only." These phrases feel helpful. They sound like something a supportive friend would say. But what happens when positivity becomes a way to avoid the emotions you actually need to feel?

In this episode of Beyond Your Default, George and Liz dig into toxic positivity: the habit of suppressing, avoiding, or rejecting negative emotions under the guise of staying upbeat. It's a conversation that might make you uncomfortable. And that's exactly the point.

You Might Be Swimming in It Without Knowing

George admits something surprising at the start of this episode. When Liz first pitched the topic, his internal reaction was skepticism. He didn't think he knew much about toxic positivity. Then he started doing the research.

"I was like, oh, shit. We have a problem, Houston. I don't think I know much about it because I might actually be deeply basking in it and have been programmed from birth to think that it was okay."

That's the sneaky thing about toxic positivity. It doesn't announce itself. It disguises itself as optimism, resilience, strength. It sounds like encouragement. But when you look closer, it's shutting down the very emotions you need to process in order to grow.

The Programming Starts Early

George traces his own relationship with toxic positivity back to how he was raised. Not through inspirational posters or self-help books. Through three simple phrases:

Walk it off. Suck it up. Man up.

"These statements are a special hidden type of toxic positivity," George explains. "Sure, they're not saying 'look at the bright side,' but the short set of words hit just as hard. They're the knee-jerk responses of fathers and grandfathers and mothers to their sons because it's not okay for us to share our emotions."

He shares a story from his recent vacation. On a boat excursion to see sea turtles, George fell down five stairs. Hard. He hit his elbow, his back, his tailbone. People asked if he was okay.

"I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay," he told them.

He wasn't okay. He had bruises for days. But his programmed response kicked in before he could even assess the damage. That's what decades of emotional suppression looks like in action.

Feelings Aren't the Enemy. Treating Them Like One Is.

Liz brings her own story to the table. Last year, she adopted a mantra: "Feelings aren't facts." On the surface, it made sense. She didn't want to make emotional decisions. She wanted to stay grounded in reality.

But the mantra backfired.

"I ended up in this weird loop where I would start feeling a lot of panic and anxiety every time any sort of emotion came up because I had to 'do something productive with it,'" she shares.

She quotes Brené Brown: "We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions."

That's the trap. You can't shut down the hard stuff without losing access to the good stuff too. Joy, excitement, connection. They all require the same emotional pathways you're trying to close off.

The Difference Between Toxic Positivity and Genuine Optimism

One of the most practical takeaways from this episode is a simple reframe. George walks through examples of how toxic positivity sounds versus what genuine optimism actually looks like:

Toxic positivity: "Being negative won't help you." Genuine optimism: "It's important to let it out. Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?"

Toxic positivity: "Good vibes only." Genuine optimism: "I love you through all your emotional states."

Toxic positivity: "Just stay positive." Genuine optimism: "Things are tough right now. Do you want to talk about it or do something lighthearted?"

Notice the pattern. Toxic positivity shuts down conversation. Genuine optimism opens it up. Often with a question mark at the end.

"It is okay, and it is possible for you as a human to offer a positive message or response without disregarding their negative emotions or your own negative emotions along the way."

The Lobster Knows Something We Forgot

Liz shares a story from Rabbi Abraham Twerski about lobsters. Their shells are rigid. They don't grow with the lobster. So periodically, a lobster has to hide under a rock, break through its own shell, and grow a new one. It's painful. It's vulnerable. And it's the only way forward.

"Thank goodness lobsters aren't people," the rabbi says. "Because if a lobster went to a hospital and said, 'Doc, this hurts,' more than likely that doctor would just give him pills for the pain."

That's what we do with emotions. We reach for the emotional Percocet instead of sitting in the discomfort long enough to grow through it.

Why Men Aren't Even in the Conversation

George went to YouTube and searched "what is toxic positivity." Out of the top ten results, only three thumbnails featured men. Two of those weren't even about toxic positivity at all. They were about silencing negative thoughts and being positive no matter what.

One man. In the top ten. Actually talking about toxic positivity.

"We're not even in the dang conversation," George says. "Men are not even in the dang conversation. And this to me is a freaking travesty."

He's working to change that. He admits he still watches certain videos specifically to make himself emotional. To deprogram 52 years of being told that vulnerability is weakness.

"I want men to realize it's okay to not be okay. It's okay not to be in control. It's okay to feel what you're feeling. You don't have to press it down."

What's Possible When You Stop Numbing

When you allow yourself to actually feel, four things become possible:

Increased life satisfaction. Embracing the full range of emotions, including the uncomfortable ones, leads to a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Authentic relationships. Being in touch with your emotions allows you to communicate more honestly with the people you love.

Deeper self-understanding. You start to recognize your triggers, your values, your preferences. That clarity guides better decisions.

Greater resilience. By facing and navigating through emotions, you build the muscle to handle future challenges and recover more quickly from setbacks.

"It's okay to not be okay. Like, when you finally have the realization and quit compartmentalizing your ish in the little boxes as quick as you humanly can and take time to learn lessons from it along the way and actually feel it, it's okay to be in that state."

"Your emotions make you human. Even the unpleasant ones have a purpose. Don't lock them away. If you ignore them, they just get louder and angrier."

"I love you through all your emotional states."

Questions to Sit With

1. When someone asks how you're doing, what's your automatic response? Is it true?
2. What emotion have you been trying to compartmentalize instead of actually feeling?
3. The next time someone you care about is struggling, can you ask "listen or fix?" before jumping into problem-solving mode?

Listen to the full episode to hear George and Liz unpack their personal experiences with toxic positivity, the hidden ways it shows up in relationships and workplaces, and why honoring your emotions is essential to living beyond your default.